From A to B

         Deep Inside

Dissatisfied, because you want to do something. When you do something, you feel that it's not enough at all, that you should do more. Not good enough. Not high quality. Not enough at all. You walk up and down, you want more. You want to move forward. And when it happens you do not appreciate the things you have achieved, you start to concentrate again on your future. 'I wish I could be there, where I want to be!' You longing for it. Your life is filled with this longing. When you don't have a relationship, you desire to have one. When you are in a relationship, after a while, you long for more. You want to quit. You want something new. You hope that the new will be better. You are longing for adrenalin which comes with the new. You are longing for that new taste in your mouth. You are longing for a fulfillment, but instead you feel like you are not moving at all.

Impatient, want to get everything right away. You don't appreciate what you  already have. You act like a kid who goes crazy for a toy in the next two minutes and then throws it away, because you have had enough of it. You are bored. You really want to do something interesting and unique. You want some adventure, some pleasure. You miss something and can't figure out what it is exactly. Always, when you get something, you are disappointed, because you realize that it's not what you have been longing for. You cannot explain yourself, you don't know what  you are longing for. You start to work on this, on that, but you never finish with any of them. Because you get bored very quickly. You aren't really a persistent person. You want to be recognized.  You aren't willing to do any work, which doesn't produce a quick and spectacular result. You are more than happy to work for others as long as it helps you to move forward. When you succeed, you can't let yourself to be happy because you don't feel like it was your success. You don't like to take the lead. If you do take the lead, then you try to escape from the problems, and you rather quit.

Wistfulness. Something incomprehensible and unfathomable keeps yawning in your soul. You are unable to fill it up. You feel like the more you do, the emptier you become. Constant hunger. Rumbling spiritual-starving, uncomfortable feeling. You don't know how to fill it up. You just pass by the entity. You just eat some instant food, but you don't like it at all. You don't have patience and time to make a quality food and then to eat it with a delight. You are dissatisfied with your situation. You are indignant, because you feel like that everyone else lives better though they don't deserve it, but you.

Your character of your religion is filled with yearning prayers. Pretentious, few thanksgiving, a lot of requests. You don't accept what God gives to you. You long for other things, what you didn't get and you feel like God didn't listen to your prayers. You are crying. You don't understand what is wrong.

With difficulty you realize, that you should remain silent for a bit. To listen without expectations. Dwell on the stories. To enjoy the taste of a delicious food. To rejoice in the sunshine and the stars. Indulge yourself into Bible reading. For a while not to do something, just to listen and feel. To mourn yourself. To clear yourself and to see those who are longing for a hug. With difficulty but you realize, that you can be satisfied, because you will get it. That you can be patient, because you will receive it. And you can be inactive, because you are not alone in the service. You can be just yourself.

Inspiration

I would rather say, Don't be selfish and don't be too egocentric neither. It's not healthy and it won't lead you to the right direction. I was listening a great lecture tonight. It was mostly about how you live your life, how you react on your life situation, how is your relationship with God. If you have one.

Imagine you are a parent. You grew up in a religious family. Doesn't matter if you are Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim, or Buddhist or whatever. The thing is you've been relying and trusting in God. And bum, one huge explosion happens in your perfect life,  the doctors says that your first born child have a disease, and he won't be healthy, and it's not sure at all, that he gonna live more then one or two years. So how would you react?!

The lecturer was talking about her personal example. The way she acted. She was from a religious family, who grew up surrounded with truly believers, and she herself was a truly believer as well. So what was her first reaction? I think everyone know the answer. It was, 'Why God, why? What did I do wrong?' Yep.... Nothing.

 She decided not praying anymore, and she was asking a loads of questions. And here comes the inspiration, which is another point of view. What helped her, was when she realized how important is the GIVING. A Relationship, where you are NOT SELFISH, and it's not about you. She realized how important is really to GIVE THANKS to God. Because it's not evident, that you are healthy, or your friends, parents, children gonna be healthy. And she was talking about her other younger children, how they are living their life with it. They know the fact, that they are privileged, because they can talk, they can move and walk and they can see it everyday.

She said another example. Just imagine there is two 10 years old boy. One of them used to live all his 10 years on the streets of Manhattan. He had to steal his breakfast, his lunch and supper everyday. He slept on the streets. And then one day, a woman and man, a parents from nowhere stops near him, and offers to him, 'Hey, do you want to live with us? We have a room, and we can give you food, and we would love to be your parents.' And the 10 years old boy says, sure, why not, but inside he doesn't believe it at all. They arriving to the new home, and they are giving him lunch. What is he doing?! He is eating very fast, and hiding some food to his pocket. Because, who knows If I will get any food for supper. And the dinner, when they give them supper. He do the same. And still doesn't believe that it's true and it's just happened with him. So after like some days even some weeks he realizes, that it's actually true, and he is safe, he still gonna feel, that he is in a privileged situation, and he gonna be thankful.
But here comes the other 10 years old boy. Who grew up in a middle class family. He got everything he wanted. And one morning, there is no Choco Cereals. He starts to scream like, 'Mom, how is that, there is no Choco cereals, when you exactly know, that this is my favorite breakfast. I can't believe, this is the only thing I want in the morning, and you are not able to give me any?!?!?'
Do you feel the difference between the two 10 years old boy?! :)

And you know what, often we, me as well, just forgot about to say THANKS GOD, that I am privileged, and I am healthy, I have a place to sleep, I have food to eat, I have friends and family etc.

So all together it was a great inspiration to hear the story. Because she found her way back through this situation to God. She realized, it's not a punishment, it's just another way to learn about giving. Giving love and time and be a difference in this running and selfish world.