Deep Inside
Dissatisfied, because you want to do something. When you do something, you feel that it's not enough at all, that you should do more. Not good enough. Not high quality. Not enough at all. You walk up and down, you want more. You want to move forward. And when it happens you do not appreciate the things you have achieved, you start to concentrate again on your future. 'I wish I could be there, where I want to be!' You longing for it. Your life is filled with this longing. When you don't have a relationship, you desire to have one. When you are in a relationship, after a while, you long for more. You want to quit. You want something new. You hope that the new will be better. You are longing for adrenalin which comes with the new. You are longing for that new taste in your mouth. You are longing for a fulfillment, but instead you feel like you are not moving at all.
Impatient, want to get everything right away. You don't appreciate what you already have. You act like a kid who goes crazy for a toy in the next two minutes and then throws it away, because you have had enough of it. You are bored. You really want to do something interesting and unique. You want some adventure, some pleasure. You miss something and can't figure out what it is exactly. Always, when you get something, you are disappointed, because you realize that it's not what you have been longing for. You cannot explain yourself, you don't know what you are longing for. You start to work on this, on that, but you never finish with any of them. Because you get bored very quickly. You aren't really a persistent person. You want to be recognized. You aren't willing to do any work, which doesn't produce a quick and spectacular result. You are more than happy to work for others as long as it helps you to move forward. When you succeed, you can't let yourself to be happy because you don't feel like it was your success. You don't like to take the lead. If you do take the lead, then you try to escape from the problems, and you rather quit.
Wistfulness. Something incomprehensible and unfathomable keeps yawning in your soul. You are unable to fill it up. You feel like the more you do, the emptier you become. Constant hunger. Rumbling spiritual-starving, uncomfortable feeling. You don't know how to fill it up. You just pass by the entity. You just eat some instant food, but you don't like it at all. You don't have patience and time to make a quality food and then to eat it with a delight. You are dissatisfied with your situation. You are indignant, because you feel like that everyone else lives better though they don't deserve it, but you.
Your character of your religion is filled with yearning prayers. Pretentious, few thanksgiving, a lot of requests. You don't accept what God gives to you. You long for other things, what you didn't get and you feel like God didn't listen to your prayers. You are crying. You don't understand what is wrong.
With difficulty you realize, that you should remain silent for a bit. To listen without expectations. Dwell on the stories. To enjoy the taste of a delicious food. To rejoice in the sunshine and the stars. Indulge yourself into Bible reading. For a while not to do something, just to listen and feel. To mourn yourself. To clear yourself and to see those who are longing for a hug. With difficulty but you realize, that you can be satisfied, because you will get it. That you can be patient, because you will receive it. And you can be inactive, because you are not alone in the service. You can be just yourself.
